SCOTT PILGRIM

As I write this, poor Scott Pilgrim struggles to conquer its own budget, let alone the box office world. Its poor box-office fare tally is due in part, according to BoxOfficeMojo, to its poster (at left) because it made the film look like a rock 'n roll comedy, an unpopular subgenre. The folks at that site always impress me with their ability to assess every little detail of a film and its marketing.

Onward to our soon-to-be-shamed reviewers...

We'll start with KIRK HONEYCUTT, reviewer for The Hollywood Reporter. KIRK delivers the sass front-and-center as only a true curmudgeon (i.e. whiny bitch) can. You see, poor KIRK was forced to go to the San Diego Comic-Con, which he gripes has become "a kind of Halloween for adults." I'm pretty sure it started off that way too. And it's actually kind of become a fishing pond for industry mucks. Where was I? Oh yes, the sass. He refers to the comic-con audience's elation for the film as "Chore No. 1." Ooof, I knew this one wasn't going to go well. 

HONEYCUTT's first real embarrassment is his assertion that "O'Malley flatters himself by borrowing the last name of Kurt Vonnegut's "Slaughterhouse-Five" hero." Whoopsy-daisy KIRK. It's widely known the name comes from a Plumtree song (itself also known NOT to be named after the noteworthy Vonnegut character). We're all really proud that you made it through Slaughterhouse-Five on your own KIRK, but no reason to flatter us with your outstanding literary achievements.

My favorite paragraph from KIRK's review is this one:
"Why must he battle former loves extending back to seventh grade? Who knows? Certainly no intelligible explanation is forthcoming. It's a touchstone of the current multitudes of young comic book and graphic-novel readers and, by extension, moviegoers, that such explanations don't matter. That's just the way it is."

Well KIRK, it's a touchstone of the current multitude of inept film reviewers that we have to read phrases like "weirdly gay" and sit through transitions like "check that"--not once but twice. Nevermind that Ramona's name is published as Romana at first. Oh wait, you were just flattering yourself with a Doctor Who reference, right?

Next up is DAVID EDELSTEIN (of New York Magazine). He writes, "Nothing, by the way, explains his [Scott Pilgrim's] sudden surge of superheroism: no gamma rays or mutant spider bites." DAVID, you make it sound like this is a plot hole, or an oversight. It's neither. An explanation for his powers would have been a needless and tedious addition to the plot.

Another complaint: "Cera doesn’t come alive in the fight scenes the way Stephen Chow does..." Oh, DAVID, you poor, poor bastard. Did you really expect Cera to usurp Chow in fighting prowess? Did you think that Wright was using Pilgrim as a platform to launch Michael Cera's kung-fu career?? Also DAVID, your writing here isn't on par with Nabokov.

The biggest problem with this review is that EDELSTEIN contends that this isn't "a world Wright knows intimately." The issue being that EDELSTEIN doesn't seem to recognize that the world in question is not Toronto, but the geek mindset. The film is littered with so many in-jokes and pitch-perfect musical cues that anyone who has ever played a modicum of videogames is going to have an absolute blast. EDELSTEIN forgets that Wright's roots are in this exact sort of thing (i.e. the incredible Spaced).

Oh, and please don't ever use the phrase "blows his wad too early" in a review again.

I'll close this out with some context-free quotes from various critics (along with my parenthetical thoughts):
1. "Call it Inception for geeks." -Anthony Lane, The New Yorker. (Riiiight. Exactly.)
2. "Scott Pilgrim vs. the World is more like a feature-length adaptation of Reality Bites: The Video Game." -Erik Childress, eFilmCritic.com. (Way over my head. So the movie is like if someone made a videogame out of Reality Bites and then someone made a movie of that videogame?? WTFSTFU. Hey, this is reminding me of Inception. )
3. "I think you must be someone who frequently says 'whatever' to fully dig the annoying jokes." -Dennis Schwartz, Ozus' World Movie Reviews. (Please leave your house one day.)
4. "If a movie ever needed Ellen Page, this is it." -James Verniere, Boston Herald. (No comment.)

Hey, wait a second, maybe it IS Inception for geeks.